‘let the lover be disgraceful, crazy, absentminded. someone sober will worry about the things going badly. let the lover be.’ - Rumi
i’ve always been taught about cancerous substances, ‘stay out of the sun!’ ‘don’t eat bacon!’ ‘HDL!’ ‘LDL!’ Writing Physiology essays on every element that causes inflammation and hacks our immunity. But one thing, I’ve come to realise is, the cancerous and contagious act of apathy.
Apathy towards yourself, towards whatever you love, and towards the people around you. And you know what’s the saddest part? There’s humanity floating around us, infected, allowing this lethargic, tar-like energy to cloud over yet another soul.
There us no chemo. You probably won’t be diagnosed. But when you realise you’re caught and you want out? …. It just takes resilience, letting go, reflecting. Taking a deep breath. Exhaling wildfires.
Nothing and NO ONE is worth
your self respect
your inner love
You did not come this far, to only come this far.
Stay away from the apathetic kind, have the bacon instead!
You’ve flown before. Stop taking that ‘learning to fly’ bullshit. Take off.
“anyone who takes life wins
anyone who looks outside flees
anyone who is awake charges
anyone who suffers loves strong” - me voy, Ibeyi (translated from Spanish)
Music is a language, an art, a science and a necessity. At least for me - someone who gets distracted by noise (…/people talking WAY too loudly) but you’ll see me working wonders with earphones glued in. It takes you to places, slows you down, keeps you grounded. …. makes the sensual experience that is ceramics just that one bit more therapeutic (…or is this just me?). As a kid/annoying teen, being in two different worlds of classic music made me aware of the ‘layers’ of music/sound, and best believe, I’ve been fascinated ever since with finding new music, especially music that makes me feel at home with myself. That, and I LOVE ‘breaking apart’ music in my head and crying with joy at how amazing how everything comes along into a wonderful 4 minute masterpiece (… I yes I know, I’m that kid that limits social interactions, because she’s too deep into her own curiosities).
I remember listening to ‘River’ by Ibeyi in Cookie’s car for the first time and knowing within the first thirty seconds I would fall in love with their work. How I love those moments when she introduces me to musicians whose vocals, lyrics and rhythm hit the sweet spot of my soul.
If I could be a sommelier about the way Ibeyi makes me feel, I’d take moment, swirl the glass counter clockwise after a deep whiff of their bridges and say ‘ elements of reclaiming, indefinable strength, textures deep as mahogany with an lingering earthy finish.’ Ah yep. They sure as fuck make me feel things and makes my studies/crafts flow - feeling less ‘leaned out’.
I'm back as an indigo, back in the density
Back to the days of three
Back to the days of me
Back to the days where we see
Trees in separate not a part of me
Intelligence is the key, if you can unlock your mind
Before you unlock your eyes so you can transcend the time
Let's down to the beach, get something to eat
Maybe, for you and me
Let's look out at the stars, and see who we are
Maybe, for you and me
Take a bit of water now
You be looking frustrated
When I be saying things like now
I'm trying to figure it out
Take a bit of dinner now
I swear it tastes great
When you try to tell me all your feelings
It never goes my way
It never goes my way
When it comes
When it comes to me
When it comes to us
Oh I know
Oh I know its not that easy
But, why isn't it
Why isn't it, why isn't it
You tried to tell
Tried feel the things I do when I'm healthy
You have too many appointments
jimi. - willow smith
i’m the foreigner in blue
yet your streets run red
keep it between us
into purple we reign
- smitten sepia and chasing dawn
(… slightly in lust with a city that’s in between home and foreign)
moon marked and touched by sun
my magic is unwritten
but when the sea turns back
it will leave my shape behind.
- a women speaks, Audre Lorde
How's your heart? Has your soul reminded you that you are loved by many, but importantly, has it told how much you mean to me Zac?
See, the thing is, I turn 25 today; the same age you were when I met you in Brazil. And there's a few things I'll like you to know, as we've shared the same wavelength for the last five. Who would have thought, hey? The soft spoken sensitive souls running, hurdling, making things happen for themselves. I'm in awe of you and am endlessly wrapped and bound in the inspiration you give to me.
I still remember the bumpy sweat ridden bus ride to Tatiane Lima, and how you asked about my dreams and goals. I was timid yet high energy and open (my life is an utter, utter contradiction), insecure, and wore the soul draining weight of my worries on my shoulders, leaking onto my sleeves. But there's no room for worries now, how things have changed for the better, as I hoped it would.
Allow me, to show you what your blessings and support and love has helped me do
20. A new inspiration rushing.
I left Brazil, i.n.s.p.i.r.e.d. I had more confidence showing people how much I loved food and food cultures. Yes! That's right, I love feeding people, asking about they're fondest food memories (with dreams to recreate that moment for them), walking through markets, playing with textures and flavours, to then create something so close to my heart, regardless of the clock us humans cuff ourselves too. Being fascinated by how communities around the world hunt and gather and the techniques etched into cultures. Ah, do you understand my love for this craft? I love it more than anything else Zac; it's the Epipen to my sanity, best believe it! I accepted I needed to change my career path. But, I didn't - though the seed was definitely planted. I was still (barely) attending physiology labs, praying my elephant-like memory would help me fly through these exams.
21. Crazy (...but the 'good' kind)
I started volunteering as a tutor/support teacher, worked retail, worked hospo and as a respite carer. Would not go to uni... because I just had this idea of a cake inspired by Tim Burton. So I made it, posted it. People wanted it.... and so a side gig of cake making began. how's my social life at this point? Textually. Active.
I saved. This was it! Quitting jobs and buying a one way ticket to Burma. To then end up trekking in Annapurna, hitch hiking with Korean grandpas in Safranbolu, running away from a Ukrainian pornographer in Barcelona, eating the best street keftas in Fes, flirting around in Lisbon, teasing nerdy cousins in London... coming back to Melbourne like 'I must continue to live my life dense with experiences, no matter what!'. All fun and games, it was also the time I acknowledged I needed to get help, and improve my mental and physical health. A rocky road ahead (but here I am today! Still alive zac zac!)
23. 'When is this all gonna end?'
Transition sucks zac. And you had to hear all about it. I was everywhere. I juggled finishing degrees, starting a career that was apparently 'degrading' and I was being severely unhealthy. I became painfully obsessive with losing weight (possibly from all the 'you're pretty, but you'd be prettier if you were skinny' that Sri Lankan aunties looove to lash out). I was cramming life, 'forgetting' to eat, seeing my collar bones protrude just that tad much more. My days would start with the 4.57am train to cook a service (have my ass slammed), then school, then another food gig... but I still pushed to better myself. Dont worry, I had fun too... after all the ones I loved were always just one dance away. I was juggling Zac, but barely keeping it together. This transition period was one of the hardest things of my life, and I did it with my own two blistered and chapped hands.
Reflecting makes me so proud Zac; though the current bundle of humans in my life are unaware (as I charm my way through as looking as the 'cool calm collected, I-was-always-this-way chick') you know what a shitwreck hurricane it has been to build the human I am today! Acknowledging anxiety and depression, admitting to body dysmorphia, letting go of family 'mistakes' made this year, and I could finally breathe. (...I've heard that's good for you).
24. 'Cookie! Do you know I love the colour of my skin? I do, and why has it taken so long?! It's so dark and lovely. And my soul Cookie? Cookie, you know I've never stopped giving, I'm beautiful in that way, I've always known it would energise me Cooks. Cooks why didn't I listen to you, my deep burnt skin is beautiful! I know I don't look like a typical Lankan girl Cooks, but I am beautiful! and my body? shape? and my height? and my face? It's crish. Cookie, I want to be Crish... for the rest of my life! And for one thing Cooks, I never want to stop nourishing you with my love.' - October 2017
Zac, I've have just fallen in love with myself. I feel like I found a part of my heart I didn't even know I had lost. I feel great this year! I was in an industry I truly loved, making connections, realising my ability to reach out and remembering the little things (I see you James, 7.30am, loving the Santa Isabel filter from Guatemala, I've got you!) Being 'generous sunshine' and adding the goofy energy to teams... still getting shit done. Oh. So this is not how I'm meant to act? Well guess what? This how I'm running my life right now, or head to the sidelines. Sass and attitude was given left right and centre Zac, and oh, how you heard everything! My fire was burning, I let go of expectations, I embraced my individuality and have found ways to always come back to myself. And the best thing yet? As much as run around, as much as my work demolished my hours, the bundle of loved ones were never out of my sight. Zac, everything I do, and will do, is to one day make you and the others feel immense joy, warmth and love. After all, who am I without the guidance you've generously given to me?
Which brings me to 25, in a city I DREAMED of experiencing, and I told you this from the beginning. You said to 'give it 5 years', I scoffed and threw your spirit on the coat hanger. But here I am zac, standing, running, taking time off, celebrating... to only know what the next 5 will hold. Why does this just feel like the beginning of another marathon?
Zac, my soul loves you purely, unconditionally and deeply. Thank you for believing what I could be... from the minute you met me. I am beyond excited, for the both of us.
'So when I'm 30 Zac....' (and herreee. we. go.)
your daughter's face is a small riot,
her hands are a civil war,
a refugee camp behind each ear,
a body littered with ugly things.
doesn't she wear
the world well. - ugly, Warsan Shire
Metropolitan Museum of Art. On a rainy Sunday whilst rekindling with two souls you met in Rio. Yes. Beauty lays in the frames of this musuem. Light. A skeletal framework that screams 'we are all connected'. Historical evidence. Ubuntu - because at the end of this day, what you've gone through and your actions will affect the community. And community is not just exclusive. It vibrates throughout. Throughout colours, sexes, preferences, history, wars, sabotage, celebration, the. lot. The MET on a rainy Sunday. Will do you well...
"It is the essence of being human. It speaks of the fact that my humanity is caught up and is inextricably bound up in yours. I am human because I belong. It speaks about wholeness, it speaks about compassion. A person with Ubuntu is welcoming, hospitable, warm and generous, willing to share. Such people are open and available to others, willing to be vulnerable, affirming of others, do not feel threatened that others are able and good, for they have a proper self-assurance that comes from knowing that they belong in a greater whole. They know that they are diminished when others are humiliated, diminished when others are oppressed, diminished when others are treated as if they were less than who they are. The quality of Ubuntu gives people resilience, enabling them to survive and emerge still human despite all efforts to dehumanize them." - Desmond Tutu on the philosophy of 'Ubuntu'.
people of colour
burn the world down.
- how stunningly beautiful that our sacred respect for the earth. for life. is deeper than our rage
6th April 2017
is today where you feel your emotions hurdling to the pace of a hare in chase? Will you choose freedom over fear?
[work by Melbourne artist, Ash Keating]
september 15th 2017.
within tears, find laughter. seek treasures amid ruins, sincere one. - rumi